posted April 1st, 2005

Death has been on my mind day and night lately. March 31st marked the 16th anniversary of my mother's death from lung cancer. I'm dealing with cancer in one of my Westies - Summer. She was diagnosed in January with breast cancer, and now, I'm told - she might also have bladder cancer. The highly publicized passing of the brain-damaged woman in Florida, Terri Schiavo also touched my heart. I know from personal experiences of my own how difficult it is to make end-of-life decisions for someone. And now Pope John Paul II is on the verge of death from a urinary tract infection. It just seems that everywhere I turn, illness and death abound. Last year two of my colleagues - both men in their 30's - passed away suddenly. In an organization of only 5 or so employees, two deaths within in a year is monumental. My grandparents are gone. My parents, too. The loss weighs heavily on my mind and I agonize over what lies beyond for all of these people and animals. I guess my faith is in question.

I think it may be time for me to explore my faith more deeply. I've debated for years over whether or not to pursue confirmation in the Church (I was baptized Catholic, but never confirmed). I've finally decided this fall, I'm going to enroll in the adult catechism classes at my local church and study in preparation for my confirmation.

In my youth, I wanted desperately to be a nun; and it was my father, who eventually convinced me to marry instead. It was his hope that I'd have children one day so that he'd have a living legacy. I'm sorry to say that he'd be disappointed to learn that he'll never be a grandfather...but maybe he would be pleased to learn that I'm going to make the commitment to his faith instead. And then maybe these dreams and nightmares surrounding death will stop haunting me...and my fears of the what lies beyond in the afterlife will vanish.