posted November 1st, 2005

Happy November! My father always made a point of wishing us a happy 1st day of the new month :)

In Quebec, Canada, they have a saying, "Je me souviens" which means, "I remember." And since November for me is one filled with remembrance and thanksgiving, I think it's very appropriate.

November 4th will mark the 8th year since my dad passed away from lymphoma. In some ways it feels like an eternity since I last saw him, and in others, it feels as though it was just last week since we were talking one of our walks together. My dad was my best friend, my confidante, my rock in an ever-changing and turbulent world. I truly thought I'd die without him...at least I didn't want to face the world without having him in it.

I'm reminded constantly of the void in my life of not having parents. Right now, as Tom and I are preparing to enter the Church and go through a convalidation ceremony, I have no family left to confer with the parish pastor. This is one of those zillion times that a parent would come in handy!

Whenever Tom and I talk about what family means to us, and what it would mean to start our own family, I'm reminded of my mom and dad. I wonder what they'd think of me...if they'd be pleased with how I've turned out. I wonder what they would've thought of my husband. Would my dad have thought Tom was good enough for his little girl? Would Tom and my mom have gotten along? What would Tom's parents think of mine? What kind of grandparents would my parents have made? My heart aches knowing I'll never know the answers to those questions. There's just an empty hole in my existence where my parents should be.

8 years ago, I would've been sitting in the Critical Care Unit of the hospital at my dad's bedside. The oncologist and nursing staff hovering over me, asking what my dad's last wishes were. The pain of the impending loss wearing me down into the ground. The hours and minutes and seconds went by at a snail's pace as I watched my father's chest rise and fall to the machine he was hooked up to. I'm grateful for those last moments - for the chance to say goodbye and let him go.

8 years later, I'm married with a home of my own ~ the very home I shared with my siblings and parents growing up.

I'm working on the development of an application at work to aid social service professionals in delivering faster and more efficient services to those they help ~ a technology my father as a social worker would have undoubtedly have used and adored.

I've joined the very church in which my parents had me baptized all those years ago, and have come to realize that my father was once the executive director of the Beaver County Catholic Social Services.

It's such a small world! And it brings me solace to know that he's still very much a part of my life. Wherever he is, he'll always have a place in my heart.